conversation with myself

This has been my conversation with myself today. Any grammar mistakes don't really matter because when one is having a crisis of the heart, grammar comes secondary to survival.

Me, to myself:

OHMYGOD I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE TODAY. I am too stressed. Nothing is ever going to be ok ever. I'm not strong enough or capable enough or happy enough or balanced enough or patient enough or understanding enough. I am never going to be enough. But on the same hand, I'm TOO MUCH. I am too needy, too sad, too desperate, too stressed, too presumptuous, too dramatic, too much of a mess. This is too overwhelming. I QUIT. You win, life. You beat me. Congratulations.

I mean, what is life, anyway? We live and we die. That's it. Why does it matter? Nothing matters.

Life matters because of love. To live is to love and be loved. That is what makes life worth living. To live a life without love is to not really live. Without love, I am nothing.

But, what is love? Is it a state of being? Is it connectedness and community? Is love an energy, a power? Is love the giving of myself for another person or a community? Is love the continual hope of finding something good in the mess of life? Is love vulnerability and trust that is respected and reciprocated? WHAT IS LOVE?

And, most importantly, how can I love when I don't know what love is? I need to love myself, but most days I just honestly don't know what that means or what it looks like.

Deep breath. Deep breath. Sloooooooow deep breath. Don't forget to breathe.

Love means showing up. Always show up, even when it is messy and painful and confusing and hard. Even then, ESPECIALLY then. You owe it to yourself. You are worth showing up for.

Love, Becky. Just love. Love until it hurts, then keep loving. Forgive yourself. Let yourself make mistakes. When you fall, lie in the mud for a while if you need to, but always get back up. Keep trying. Fight for yourself, because you're worth fighting for.

You know who you are. You do. You need to do the things that you know bring you life--even if you don't feel like doing them, even when you don't remember why you like them--until you feel your passion for them coming back. Cook, read, play guitar, do yoga, have coffee with friends. Do them until you remember, because you will.

Life is messy now, but it will get better. Everything will be ok. Everything is already better than you think it is. Just keep breathing.

You are enough. 

______________________________________________________________________________

And so my conversation goes with myself, over and over.

At first, I am more panicky than not, believing that my whole world is crashing down. I say the things about love and being worth it and blah blah blah because that's what I should say to myself, not because it's what I believe.

But, each time I have this conversation, I calm down a little more.  I start to believe myself more. I am ok. I can do this. My breathing becomes easier.

I don't expect my panicky voice to ever go away, and that's okay. It is part of me. But, I do expect myself to learn to believe myself when I say to love and live and be happy. I will keep practicing strength until I am strong. I will keep choosing to listen to my encouraging voice because she is most right.

Be strong, friends. Love yourself. Let yourself be loved.

Becky
xo