emotional tornado

I want to collapse in on myself. I want to curl up in a ball and sink into the couch until I disappear. I want to wrap myself up in a million blankets and be consumed. I want to find a cave and hide out until I am forgotten and until I forget. I want to be still and be nothing and let the world reset. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I want to pick up my head and carry on. I want to play my guitar, I want to sing a beautiful song. I want to paint and read and write and cook and be creative. I want to climb a mountain and see the world. I want to cuddle my kitten and fly a kite. I want to live and love and be happy. Today is a beautiful day.

I want to stand in the rain until it fills me and drowns me.
I want to stand in the rain and let it wash my soul and cleanse me.

I want to mourn my life as it is and as it could have been.
I want to celebrate my life as it is and for what it can be.

I want to cry and cry and cry until I am empty.
I want to laugh and laugh and laugh until I am full.

The tornado of emotions is sometimes too much to handle, so I just rest in the eye of the storm and let my feeling swirl around.
I'm afraid to step out and feel, because feeling might sweep me away and toss me on the ground like the mangled up frame of a home that used to be full of love. But, my feeling might also sweep me away into the clouds so I can fly.

How can I feel so empty and yet so alive?
How can I feel so afraid and yet so full of hope?